I Hate My Husband (8 Ways to Overcome Conflict in Marriage)

i hate my husbandYou can find almost anything on internet these days. But you have to be very, very, very careful about trusting the publisher of what you find on the internet because, as President Abraham Lincoln himself said,

Don’t trust everything you read on the internet” ~Abraham Lincoln

(Get it? I hope so!)

I Hate My Husband 6,600 Times Over

Google is a mammoth search engine. It also has an amazing internet tool that allows you to type in particular keywords to figure out how much website “traffic” that word or phrase generates in monthly web searches. It can be a helpful tool, especially if you want to write an article about a specific topic (such as: Why I hate my husband) but want to know how best to phrase it for optimal readership.

I hate my husband. These are the four words I’ve used for the keyword phrase for this article. Want to know why? I chose this phrase because it gets about 6,600 searches every month on Google alone. That means that around planet Earth there are thousands of frustrated wives out there desperately searching for answers to their broken marriage, and they turn to Google looking for the answers.

That makes me sad. And angry.

It pains me to know that a man would hate his wife or that a wife would hate her husband. Sure, we can get frustrated at our husbands or wives…….but hatred? Doesn’t that seem over-the-top or vengeful or even downright wicked? Yes, it certainly does. But it also demonstrates how thousands of women out there are searching for answers about what to do in marriage. And by the grace of God I want to give them some helpful suggestions!

Resolving Conflict God’s Way

If a woman gets to the point of hating her husband, it’s time for counseling…..and fast! After all, the Bible commands that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands. Hatred in a marriage is the sad result of bitter conflict and resentment. But I have good news for you: God doesn’t want your marriage to end! In fact, God wants your husband to be head-over-heels in love with you, to go out of his way to demonstrate that love to you, and for you to love your husband in return.

“I hate my husband” are words that are not God’s will for your life!

One thing for sure, a Christian home is not a home without problems and conflicts. When you strike two pieces of flint together you get sparks. That’s what happens when two sinners come together in marriage and become one flesh. Too soon after the happy couple exchanges vows, raging infernos begin to ensue!

The truth is that whenever two people enter into a really close relationship, some disagreements are inevitable. They are bound to occur. If you are married, you’ve no doubt experienced them. Husbands and wives have differing opinions on just about everything, and that causes conflict in marriage, personal stress, and tens of thousands of dollars to pad the pockets of divorce lawyers.

Nowhere does the Bible indicate that conflict resolution comes naturally. For some reason, it’s often easier to fight, argue, and hurl insults than it is to be kind or gentle to one another. It’s easier, frankly, to do a Google search for the phrase I hate my husband than it is to want to be a peacemaker. But the latter is what God wants for your marriage.

God doesn’t suggest that resolving conflicts is a piece of cake. Rather, He acknowledges that it’s sometimes very difficult to come to agreement with other people. It requires work, lots of work! Though conflict resolution in marriage may be difficult, the Bible makes it clear that with God’s help anything is possible. Frankly, you can go from I hate my husband to I love my husband over night. It’s not as difficult as you might think at the moment.

I want to give you some suggestions on what you could do, as a wife, so that you no longer suffer from the “I hate my husband” attitude. I pray that God would use these to heal your marriage.

1. Realize that sin is the problem–not necessarily your husband.

You might not like your husband very much at the moment, but understand the problem goes much deeper than just his bad manners. The problem is that he is a filthy, wicked, rotten sinner. A rotten sinner just like you are, too! We’re all products of The Fall in Genesis chapter three. That’s not giving your husband an excuse for his behavior, however. It is merely stating the cause of it.

A lack of male leadership in the marital relationship, as well as not loving our wives as we ought, is directly tied to the sin that was committed by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Adam hid in a bush rather than come clean with God, confessing his sin. When Adam was finally pressed by God to give an account, the man chose to blame both God and Eve. In Genesis 3:12 Adam said,

The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” ~Adam, the sinner

But Eve didn’t do much better when it was her turn to give an account, either. She chose to blame the serpent (The devil made me do it!). But what I want you to see is that this sin by the first husband and wife duo led to conflict in their marriage, as well as every other marriage thereafter in human history. And that includes your marriage as well.

Here is what God said to the woman would be the result of her sin, in Genesis 3:16,

Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

Do you see that? The woman would begin to sinfully desire her husband’s headship in the marriage (usurping control), and the man would become a domineering, wretched, sinner who demands to rule over her without offering love to her. In case you’re wondering, this is a recipe for disaster in any marriage!

So my first suggestion to any wife who says “I hate my husband” is to realize that you are both sinners and that sin tends to show its ugly face the closer we are to one another in our relationships. Defining the problem is the first step to biblical resolution to your marital conflict.

2. Meditate upon and ask yourself the following questions.

  • Why do married couples fight & quarrel?
  • Why is my husband acting the way he is acting?
  • Have I done anything to provoke this behavior?
  • Is it possible for me to love my husband ever again?
  • Is it possible for me to respect my husband?
  • Do I understand that I can’t change my husband, no matter how hard I try?
  • Do I understand that “love” is not merely a feeling but an “action” I need to work at developing?
  • Does my husband acknowledge his problems?

3. Calmly (yes, calmly) explain to your husband how you are feeling.

You’ll have better results approaching your husband with a cup of sugar than you will with a spoonful of vinegar. As a man myself, I know that we men have a tendency to lash back when questioned, or retreat into a corner when we feel like failures.

4. Cease with “the blame game” for now and focus on healthy communication.

Are the problems in your marriage mostly your husband’s fault? Maybe. But nothing will get better in your marriage if you and your husband are blaming one another, rather than accepting your share of it. Be patient and be respectful to each other with your words.

5. Resolve to not give up on either your husband or your marriage.

Failure is not an option in marriage, as far as the Bible is concerned. There really is no reason to ever give up and file for divorce. You need to stay strong and develop the attitude that sin will not reign over you or your spouse. Keep pushing for a better outcome each and every day!

6. Acknowledge that trusting in God is the answer to your “I hate my husband” problem.

The more you rely on your own skills, abilities, and ideas, the less likely you are of having a better marriage. For Christians in particular, we know that the answer to all of life’s problems is to trust and lean more on God every day, rather than trying to figure out things on our own. God’s ways are always better than our ways.

7. Pray to God that He will reveal to your husband his errors, sins, and your husband’s sin of not loving you.

If your husband just “doesn’t get it” or simply refuses to see the situation for what it is, only God will be able to get that through your husband’s thick head. God is both omniscient (knows all things) and omnipotent (is all-powerful), so pray that God would work this miracle in your marriage. The Lord already knows the answer to how to fix your marriage. Pray that He would reveal that answer to your husband in a clear way!

8. Memorize, recite, and apply the following Bible verses daily.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25)

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22)

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses” (Proverbs 12:12)

“By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10)

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1)

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention” (Proverbs 15:18)

“It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling” (Proverbs 20:3)


In summary, remember that “I hate my husband” is not the attitude or mindset that God wants you to have about your husband. God wants so much more for you! Be patient, don’t give up, and trust God to bring about healing in your marriage. And be sure to do whatever you can to go out of your way to respect your husband whenever you can!

FOR THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW: What other suggestions do you have to offer a woman who says, “I hate my husband”? (Please leave that suggestion in the comment section below.)

Photo Credit: Camera Colin via Compfight cc


    • Anonymous says

      Should i stay with a man who lies steals hits me shoots heroin and cocaine..doesnt work? I find it hard to believe this is Gods plan.

      • says

        I would say yes to almost everything you have stated above, except for the “hits me” part. God does not want you to be a punching bag for anyone. Get out the situation–fast—, separate from him, seeking counseling ASAP, and contact the lawful authorities about that abuse. Period.

    • Anonymous says

      Charles, I have been married for 4 years and together for 6 , in the beginning my husband had a ADHD drug addiction although he lived in denial. We went to pre marital counseling, and he promised to stop. We got married and the pills came back along with marijuana , then that stopped then it was lying about cigarettes and chewing tobacco. We have a child that is 2 and I love him dearly but I don’t know if I feel that way about my husband anymore. I am angry, bitter , resentful. We have gone to marriage counseling after we got married before our son but obviously that didn’t work . We both have good jobs and are not stressed financially but emotionally I am suffocating, how can I stay married to someone that I always find HIDDEN things?? I feel alone and rejected , every time I confront him he leaves for hours sometimes he sleeps in his vehicle in the driveway !

  1. Jo says

    I have never got to the point of hating my husband ( or anyone ) often felt very hurt and upset by what he says or does, on a couple of particularly bad occasions I read through 1 Corinthians 13 ( just the part on love is) I prayed through this passage asking for help to develop this kind of love.

    This can also be helpful with hatred or less than loving thoughts towards anyone.

  2. Serina says

    This article is good, but it won’t work unless both people want to make it work. It’s hard being married to someone….no, it’s downright near IMPOSSIBLE being married to someone who thinks they’re ALWAYS right (and if they aren’t, they try to blame you anyway), think they have absolute authority, and have the most annoying personality known to man on top of everything else! (I am NOT exaggerating…if only I could post some videos, you’d know.) My marriage has many complex problems that none of the self-help articles and books have addressed (not all in one place anyway). I know I am not totally without fault – it does take two for conflict, after all. When I get mad, I really get mad. However, the root of our conflict often lies with my husband’s outlook on certain everyday things, which I (and most of our society) consider to be totally abnormal. He is not from the USA so maybe part of that is cultural. I tend to think it’s mental.

    I can’t afford independent counseling and I’m not going to my church for it (someone might see me and the pastors would know I’m in trouble!) Besides that, my husband doesn’t go to church with me (because he doesn’t like any of the churches in our area) so he wouldn’t go with me to pastoral counseling. Believe me, I’ve asked and have been chastised about airing “dirty laundry” to strangers, so what’s the point? I’d be going by myself and trying to shoulder the burden of making my marriage better and probably wasting my time doing it. I am sticking it out for my kids right now and for myself because we have a child with special needs. They are hard work to handle alone! If we didn’t have him, though…hard telling what I would decide to do. I just know that all the conflict in our home is not good for our daughter who is almost 13…it’s bound to just get worse from this point.

    I think it all comes down to what you can tolerate physically and/or mentally and how much your spouse is willing to cooperate to save the marriage. Plus, if your spouse wants no part of counseling or self-help, are you going to stick it out and pray that God will make things better? How long is that going to take? We don’t know His timetable so we don’t know how long it will be before things begin to change. It could take a LONG time…which would necessitate praying for endurance and hanging in there. For some, that could be relatively easy. For others, the mental stress has them at the snapping point. (If you snap, be sure you are not holding any sharp objects!)

    Yeah, God hates divorce. I get that. But after trying everything else, I don’t blame people for wanting out of a situation that is both physically and mentally unhealthy. If I had to live alone for the rest of my life without a spouse just to be free of the one I have…I’d do it. Somehow, I think it’s going to take a bloomin’ miracle to change my husband.

    • says

      Serina, your comment hit me hard. I prayed for you and your husband. I know that God can work miracles in your life and your husband’s life. Keep believing, praying, and searching for solutions. God bless you, my friend.

    • Anonymous says

      Ditto for me. Narcissistic, always right, knows everything, I’m stupid, know nothing. He’s loud,aggressive angry, flirts with other women, who knows what else. Violent. Pothead, alcoholic, everything’s my fault

      • Anonymous says

        Won’t even try church. Always blaming me. Won’t kiss or dance or go out. Always accuses. Calls me right wing bigot. Is anti Israel. Pro gay marraige says Islam is peaceful. Even kids hate dogs and church like he does. Never cries. Doesn’t drink. No.interest in my wants. Refuses more kids. Point blank Says I a lunatic and out of touch for my funny beliefs.
        Fixing it harder to cope every day
        Help me jesus

  3. Anonymous says

    1) “Realize that sin is the problem–not necessarily your husband.” – that’s not possible. The feminazi culture says otherwise. If it has a penis, it MUST be wrong. Even a dead clock is right twice a day and that’s twice more then any American male.

    4) “Cease with “the blame game” for now and focus on healthy communication.” That’s not possible either. He has a penis so the only thing he needs to “communicate ” is that he is wrong, that he recognizes that it’s his fault and he’s sorry and then go to his room. He’ll be on timeout from sex for the next decade.

    5) “Resolve to not give up on either your husband or your marriage.” – Why on earth would a woman do that? She gets EVERYTHING if she divorces! There’s no incentive for women to stay married! They get the houses, the cars, the kids and all the money and its a foregone conclusion that its the MAN’S fault that the marriage failed so her conscious is clear! Why stay???!!

    6) “Acknowledge that trusting in God is the answer to your “I hate my husband” problem.” – Women DO acknowledge that, the problem is that they are their own God.

    7) “Pray to God that He will reveal to your husband his errors, sins, and your husband’s sin of not loving you.” – referencing #6, God is already doing a fantastic job of letting him know how jacked up he is day in and day out cause she’s telling him ALL THE TIME.

    8) “Memorize, recite, and apply the following Bible verses daily.” – notice NONE of them is from Proverbs 31. God doesn’t need to learn how to be a Proverbs 31 wife cause she’s already perfect, he needs to learn how to be a “submissive” husband……

    • cimi says

      I didn’t read your whole comment because I got stuck at penis. It isn’t about the penis. It’s about the ego of the male. Some males have an ego that is destructive. I am married to one of those, and although he is by no means physically abusive. I do see signs of mental abuse. Probably unawares to him. But very much known to me and my children. it’s very elusive. Abuse takes on many forms. The one in which I’m talking about is the elusive one. One can look like a good caring person on the outside but be very unaware of how to have a good, intimate realtionship with wife and children alike. This describes my relationship. I married a good guy. But, and i do mean but. He has no communication skills whatsoever and it hurts.

  4. A F L says

    All that is great advice. Still, there come’s a point where it’s important to realize that it takes two to make a go of it, and marriage is not about long-suffering through financial, emotional, physical, or any other kind of abuse that causes brings negative consequences to either party.

    Sometimes hate is the source of strength bridging the decision to divorce and the opportunity to heal.

  5. southern girl says

    I am at a loss. Being raised in a traditional, southern Christian home, it was ingrained in me on how to take care of your husband and be a good, faithful wife. I can honestly say that I have taken care of all of his needs, wants and desires since the first day of marriage. Our lives revolve around him. He constantly wants materialistic things like new trucks, expensive watches, etc…The high life and I always give in and find a way for him to get what he wants. If i don’t He belittles me as he holds me against a wall and reminds me of how I didn’t finish college, how ugly I am because I have freckles, and other hurtful comments that he always says. He has a very good job and he tells me he is better than me because he makes more money. Now he has developed a drinking habit which is growing weekly. I hide all of this from family/friends because he has convinced me that I am a failure and I am so ashamed. At times he is remorseful but the selfishness is daily. He never goes anywhere with me and if he does I am very nervous because I am afraid I will say the wrong thing or I don’t look good enough for him. I can’t leave because I would be too embarrassed. I am growing more and more resentful frustrated and hurt. It’s been 16 years and I am beyond weary. I keep praying for a way out but I am still here.

  6. bridget says

    In response to the lady on sept 22…if u do not have children….leave. It is the most painful and deadly slow progressive disease of alcoholism and adding children won’t bring solace but the I wish. I love God but I am very familiar with self centerness and progressive alcoholism. I have been sober for 8 years and had children years after I became sober and turned my life over. You can divorce an unbeliever. It will make it worse if you have children then you are really in it. Rather be broke and single that married and miserable and alone.

  7. Josh says

    I am in a same situation as southern girl. I have had a good start knowing him from childhood, starting well for over 8 yrs.From the first 5 years I was the only bread winner with our 3 young children, while juggling both with work and financially supported him to go back to University to attain his degree. Soon after he completed studies in the filed of Mining, found a good job,which half the month is spent away from and only comes for field breaks, Overtime, he has became so grumpy and snappy, as the case with Southern girl, he says nasty things and belittles me as much as possible. His habit of drinking alcohol has gone way over head, into hanging out late and coming home drunk trying to find fault in me to start an argument. He beats me up if I tell him of how I hurt I am, He shows no remorse nor an acknowledge what I do to please him, He even threatens to walk out on me and my children, and I am so scared I cant live to fend the children myself.
    His actions has evidently shown his resentment for me,and has grown into isolating himself from sharing the same bed so violent. I am so confused how or what I did wrong to to allow this to come in between, I only pray things will work out and hold on for the sake of my children

    • God has overcome says

      Please take your kids and leave if your safety is threatened by your husband. I’m not suggesting,divorce, rather seek a safe, stable, and secure place for you and your kids. Sometimes separation is necessary in order to establish boundaries and it doesn’t mean divorce. If you do decide to leave, do not fear, God is your provider and you can depend on him to meet your financial needs. I’m not implying it will be easy, everything about it will be a difficult change but God will be with you every step of the way. Pray for yourself, your kids and your husband. Submit a prayer request at your church (it can be made anonymously). If you’re able and resources are available in your area, join a support group. I’m so sorry you’re hurting and afraid. You’re not alone, God has made you wonderfully and loves you and your kids. God has given you the role of mom to three kids and you need to protect them right now. Surrender it all to God, get safe then work on mending your marriage.

  8. God has overcome says

    women tend to despise their husbands b/c they look to their wife to be the leader. A woman was not created to be the spiritual leader or head of the household which results in exhaustion, frustration and resentment. Passivity in husbands is unfortunately reinforced by mainstream culture. Satan will continue to mislead men and women on God’s roles and responsibilites for a husband and wife. I’m speaking as a wearied wife married to a confused husband. My only advice is this, forgive daily (yes this is tough) as God forgives. Forgiveness might not come easy and may take some time and start as a choice of mind but eventually it’ll reach your heart. Forgiveness will open the door for God’s grace and blessings in your life. Second make clear boundaries, if you’re spouse speaks cruelly, let them know you will not accept being spoken to in that way and leave the room. If you’re in a harmful relationship, of course you (and kids) need to leave. Listen carefully, leave, not divorce. Sometimes separation is necessary. This is spiritual warfare but God has provided all weapons needed to have victory. Please remember, Satan will attack more as you fight for your marriage, stand strong in the name of Jesus and the enemy will flee. store up God’s word in your hearts and stay encouraged, you’re not alone. Ephesians 6:10-20

  9. King says

    Charles, I have been married for 4 years and together for 6 , in the beginning my husband had a ADHD drug addiction although he lived in denial. We went to pre marital counseling, and he promised to stop. We got married and the pills came back along with marijuana , then that stopped then it was lying about cigarettes and chewing tobacco. We have a child that is 2 and I love him dearly but I don’t know if I feel that way about my husband anymore. I am angry, bitter , resentful. We have gone to marriage counseling after we got married before our son but obviously that didn’t work . We both have good jobs and are not stressed financially but emotionally I am suffocating, how can I stay married to someone that I always find HIDDEN things?? I feel alone and rejected , every time I confront him he leaves for hours sometimes he sleeps in his vehicle in the driveway !

  10. Chakeitha goff says

    My husband is a jerk no gentleman only touches me for sex treats me like a maid nanny personal chef blow up doll and occasionally hurts me. He thinks he must pay bills only and I do EVERYTHING else with no help. I hate him and I hate this marriage!

  11. Cheryl says

    It’s funny how the view is so different from the cheap seats. Nobody is in a position to judge what someone should do, or worse, continue to tolerate, from a paragraph on a website. What should be shared, ideally, is what the word of God states about that issue, not an opinion.
    The bible states clearly that if a Christian man is continuing in sin, drugs, etc, to have brothers from that local church confront him, etc etc the protocol is outlined. Not simply ignore the sin and hope it goes away, or separate temporarily.
    I would like to see His word shared on here. It has all the answers we need.

  12. Irene says

    Hello, to my friends out there i am testifying about the good work of a man who helped me, it has been hell from the day my husband left me i am a woman with a kid my problem started when I traveled, when I came back i never knew he was living but as at two weeks i did not set my eyes on my husband i tried calling but he was not picking my calls, some week he called me telling me that he has found love some where, easy at first i never took it to be serious but day after he came to the house to pick his things that was the time i noticed that things is going bad i taught he would come back but things was going bad day by day i needed to talk to someone about it so i went to his friend but there was no help so i gave it up on him, month later i met on the internet a spell caster i never believed on this but i needed my man back so i gave the spell caster my problem at first i never trusted him so i was just doing it for doing sake but after three days my husband called me telling me that he is coming home i still do not believe but as at the sixth day the father to my kid came to the house asking me to forgive him, the spell work from that day i was happy with my family thanks to priest atariajanaku of (igbalode). priest atariajanaku is a great man you need to try him you can as well tell him your problem so that he can be of help to you his content email is this “priestatariajanaku@gmail.com” indeed you are a priest thank you for making my home a happy home again. Remember his email is priestatariajanaku@gmail.com

  13. Tracy says

    I will admit I am somoene who googled “i hate my husband”…why? Because since the day we met he has done nothing but lie to me.
    As much as I can appreciate the biblical ideals on marriage, however, in the world as it exists today the idea of a woman “submitting” to her husband as the “head of the household” and living “under his domain” is archaic.
    Please do not mistake my opinion for “male bashing”, but over the last 40 years men do not rise the occasion of being the “head of the household”. Since women were thrust into the workplace and in many cases out earn their husbands, I can see how the resentment grows. Rather than “stepping” up and taking measures to better his earning potential to be the “head of household” men today let their wives pick up the slack. They no longer feel the need to take a second job on a part time basis to get through the rough patches or sacrifice their time in front of the TV to take night classes to further their education to earn a promotion. They do not want to take on the added “stress” that being “head of household” in that sense requires. The behaviors I see in some men today does not show me that they have the ambition to be the leader of the household. Over the course of our marriage i have received my MBA and promotions. My husband still earns what he did when we first met and has no ambition to better himself. He likes to enjoy the ammenities my success has brought us, even likes to brag about them to his friends as if he had a part in making it happen. Is that the sign of a leader? No its sad….he is at times a drain on our family and so the resentment grows and grows…..he clearly cannot teach our son to be a leader in that sense.

  14. Amy says

    I will be married for 12 years in May. I have 4 wonderful kids and a husband that I HATE daily. I have tried to talk to him about how I feel about the way he treats me and our kids ( they are all his kids). I feel that he treats our kids as if they are his step-kids and only an annoyance to him. I feel that the only time he considers me as a wife is when he is hungry, needs clean clothes, or is in “the mood”. I have resinistment towards him, and refuse to do much of anything for him. I can’t even remember the last time we kissed, in passing or really kissed. We started off rocky in the begining of our marrage and now that everything is settled down, it like we both can’t stand each other. I don’t know if I’m just scared to leave or if deep down I do love him and stop myself from leaving, but I need help either way.

  15. Cher says

    My husband is narcissistic, loud, aggressive, pothead, alcoholic, knows everything, always right, I’m always wrong, flirts with other women, angry, not home much, lies constantly, yells, swears , everything’s my fault, . Needs constant praise, from anyone and everyone, . I can’t take it. married for 25 miserable years!

  16. Jack says

    We have been married for 30 years. I have heard “I hate you” from my wife for 20 years. It was after marriage and children that secrets from her past started coming out. Abused as a child, rebellious teen coming to Christ, homosexual behavior, and then getting married, all without telling me anything. Then the anger and hate started. Blaming her father for how she treated me. There have been layers and layers slowly pealed back, like an onion. Each new layer, more anger, more blame, more inability to forgive, some healing, perhaps a light. Then another layer as a new part comes out. She refuses professional help, claiming all she needs is the church. The church says all she needs is the savior and a better more understanding husband. The church is ignorant on how to help and says we just need to pray more. They haven’t been slugged in front of their children, woken up with a fist in the stomach, and beaten down everyday. They haven’t been in the emergency room with a concussion getting a line of staples put in to hold the scalp on. It has been hard on our children, growing up with hate. Instead of memories of a secure home, they have hate and anger, lies and blame, and going to church with Mom after seeing her nearly kill Dad; while Dad stayed home to hide the bruises and wash off the blood. If I do not go to church, I am asked why my attendance is so bad. If I go to church with a black eye, I am joked about with “What happened, wife set you straight again” Ha Ha Ha. The children had to hear their mother yelling about divorce and leaving, about being taken away and keeping them from Dad. One daughter has to deal with a memory of coming home from school to find blood on the door and across the kitchen floor, blood soaked bath towels in the bathroom, and Dad gone from the house. While I was getting my head stapled back together, she cleaned up the blood while Mom sat in the living room and did nothing. But the church asked me what I did to cause it. I had been attacked from behind my back, which she even admitted to, but they still asked what I did to provoke and deserve it. After all, they say, “she’s a woman, it can’t be that bad” and “you are the head of the house, so any lack of Love is your fault as the husband” and “if you just loved her more, as Christ loved he church, then this wouldn’t happen.” There is no help from church or community. One time I did call the police for help and an ambulance. In place of help, they automatically asked me to leave the house, even though I was the one with a black eye and bloodied face. She had no mark at all, and I was told to leave or face arrest. Obviously the male deserves it. Only woman are abused. Abusers are always, and only, men. Then there are the pretend apologies, the forgiveness, the repeat, the new layer of story, the new reaction of hate and abuse. I am not a professional therapist. I am completely worn down. Christians are supposed to help bear one another’s burdens; until there really is someone that asks for help. Then everyone drifts off. Then there are only accusers, saying I somehow must have deserved it. I used to even believe them. And there is not one that says to her, that maybe she needs to change something, that maybe, despite the past, she is responsible for what she does now, without excuse. No, it is easier to pretend to not see it. I don’t need another lecture on how to live with it, and if I were just a better Christian. I need help. You don’t tell a drowning person, “well if you would just swim better.” But that is the Christian church. But I guess when there is a bullet in my chest, someone will pray for God to forgive whatever I did to deserve it, if I am even around after that. But she isn’t to blame, not in the church’s eye, she had it hard growing up so it is understandable; and besides, everyone knows it is never the woman that is at fault.

    • cimi says

      Jack. Hi . So sorry the church family failed you. I would be headed to another if I were you. No two churches are alike. We do have to keep in mind that people are people whether christian or not. Don’t take it personally and move on. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through.

  17. Billy Monday says

    Greetings in the name of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
    I have been married for over 8years without an Issue(fruit of the womb) but for over 4years now my wife have been constantly leaving the marriage over lack of child (three to Four times now) and each time she does that I will be the one begging with tears for her (my wife) to come back, several time her father (my father-in-law) do intervene to bring reconciliation to the marriage and still she continue repeating the same thing over and over again without anyone knowing where she use to go or stay. There are times when she live I will be praying at night using her picture before she will finally agreed to come back home. And what have been her reasons? That she is no more interested in the marriage and that the love for me is no more in her heart (in short that the love is death long time ago). That a marriage where she is not contributing anything and in all these I will find a way of convincing her to come back-most time for the moment.
    Recently, to be precise on Thursday 5th February, 2015 she travelled to the village for a wedding and agreed to come back home on Saturday 7th February, 2015 but she never did, I called her on phone to find out the problem her response was she is not coming back again, I thought she was just saying it as her things are in the house not knowing to me she has packed the valuable ones. On Monday 9th February, 2015 I called her, this time she affirmed that she is no more coming back, I asked for the reason she said the marriage no longer interest her as I tried to convince her as before she quickly cut me and said “she doesn’t love me again” and I said okay when are you coming to pack your properties because at this point I lack what to say. As of now, she is still out there no one know where to find her.
    I know my only solution now is God as all options to reconcile in the past has failed. I will be very glad to know God opinion on this issue.
    I look forward to your favourable response.

    Yours in Christ,
    Monday, Billy Nuhu

  18. cimi says

    I didn’t all of this. NO need. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with my husband. We met as young teens. got pregnant shortly after. Been a struggle ever since. I hate everything about him and the feeling gets stronger the more I get to know him. And yes. I can point out some things about him that are good. But most are not. So, staying married at this point is a mute point. I’m 51, finally grown up and realizing what a tragic mistake I made.

  19. cimi says

    I have a question. My husband has a really bad breath problem. And by really bad, I mean, i can’t stand sitting by him in church so I quit going. How bad is this? I and one of his closest friends have told him about it , and he used lysterine after his friend told him about how bad his breath was, but he didn’t keep it up for long. Ok. go. comments please?

  20. Anonymous says

    I got so much hope after reading your suggestions! But pls help me how to cope up with the high amount of stress ! My husband after three and half years of marriage is still the same ! Unloving , careless, irresponsible, very controlling, selfish, rude …husband ! From day I tried my best to be a good loving wife! I cannot visit my family, I cannot go anywhere , I cannot take any decision , I cannot have any friends or relatives ! If I ask for something he shuts down for days and months ! I should not ask any small thing for my happiness! I have to wait for his permission which never happens ! If my mother or any relative visits us, he gets rude and angry almost every time! I pray to god daily to give me strength ! But am breaking down ! He simply cuts off all
    connection with me ! No emotional, or physical relation all those days with me if i make repeated pleading then if he talks for a day ! Again he finds some fault and does not talk for months ! We dont have any children because there is no intimacy at all. I am 36 years ! Time is just passing by with no relationship! I don’t want to break up with my husband! Pls advise me

  21. Bonnie G says

    I have been married for 14 year; I was 18 years old and so very much in love. I was a sweet, naive wife, who adored my husband. He cheated, many times. Had drug addictions, and of course all the lies, financial issues, stress, etc. that comes with that. He introduced me to things that were not right. I even joined into the dysfunctional way of life, to understand him and be on his level. I felt as we were Bonnie and Clyde. We have a daughter early in our marriage. I feel horrible for the life she has to live as a young child. We eventually grew out of that life style. We had ups and downs over the years and I grew into an aggressive, bitter, resentful wife with a poisoned tongue. He tries to make up for his years of hurt, but I am just unhappy and mean. We gone to church and even tried counseling. Years later He became secret friends to a younger woman and cheated, I wanted to leave, but we got pregnant. It was unplanned and 10 years apart from our first. We previously tried to get pregnant but were told by a couple doctors, our chances were very slim, so I consider our pregnancy a sign from God to stay together. We were really great during pregnancy, but after, I still felt the same way… resentment, bitter, angry, everything he does is not right in my eyes. When I’m annoyed, I hate him! I feel as we have just grown apart. He is very attractive, but I have no interest in having sex. I love him, but I am not in love with him, like if we are brother and sister. All our friends and family think we are a prefect couple. Little do they know I am very unhappy, and I hate the person I have become. I take responsibility for my actions but I feel like this man has ruined me and made me an ugly person. He currently adores me, shows his love and affection, and showers me with gifts etc. However, I am not sure I can truly love him, respect him or show genuine love to him ever again. I do not know what to do.

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