I Hate My Husband (8 Ways to Overcome Conflict in Marriage)

i hate my husbandYou can find almost anything on internet these days. But you have to be very, very, very careful about trusting the publisher of what you find on the internet because, as President Abraham Lincoln himself said,

Don’t trust everything you read on the internet” ~Abraham Lincoln

(Get it? I hope so!)

I Hate My Husband 6,600 Times Over

Google is a mammoth search engine. It also has an amazing internet tool that allows you to type in particular keywords to figure out how much website “traffic” that word or phrase generates in monthly web searches. It can be a helpful tool, especially if you want to write an article about a specific topic (such as: Why I hate my husband) but want to know how best to phrase it for optimal readership.

I hate my husband. These are the four words I’ve used for the keyword phrase for this article. Want to know why? I chose this phrase because it gets about 6,600 searches every month on Google alone. That means that around planet Earth there are thousands of frustrated wives out there desperately searching for answers to their broken marriage, and they turn to Google looking for the answers.

That makes me sad. And angry.

It pains me to know that a man would hate his wife or that a wife would hate her husband. Sure, we can get frustrated at our husbands or wives…….but hatred? Doesn’t that seem over-the-top or vengeful or even downright wicked? Yes, it certainly does. But it also demonstrates how thousands of women out there are searching for answers about what to do in marriage. And by the grace of God I want to give them some helpful suggestions!

Resolving Conflict God’s Way

If a woman gets to the point of hating her husband, it’s time for counseling…..and fast! After all, the Bible commands that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands. Hatred in a marriage is the sad result of bitter conflict and resentment. But I have good news for you: God doesn’t want your marriage to end! In fact, God wants your husband to be head-over-heels in love with you, to go out of his way to demonstrate that love to you, and for you to love your husband in return.

“I hate my husband” are words that are not God’s will for your life!

One thing for sure, a Christian home is not a home without problems and conflicts. When you strike two pieces of flint together you get sparks. That’s what happens when two sinners come together in marriage and become one flesh. Too soon after the happy couple exchanges vows, raging infernos begin to ensue!

The truth is that whenever two people enter into a really close relationship, some disagreements are inevitable. They are bound to occur. If you are married, you’ve no doubt experienced them. Husbands and wives have differing opinions on just about everything, and that causes conflict in marriage, personal stress, and tens of thousands of dollars to pad the pockets of divorce lawyers.

Nowhere does the Bible indicate that conflict resolution comes naturally. For some reason, it’s often easier to fight, argue, and hurl insults than it is to be kind or gentle to one another. It’s easier, frankly, to do a Google search for the phrase I hate my husband than it is to want to be a peacemaker. But the latter is what God wants for your marriage.

God doesn’t suggest that resolving conflicts is a piece of cake. Rather, He acknowledges that it’s sometimes very difficult to come to agreement with other people. It requires work, lots of work! Though conflict resolution in marriage may be difficult, the Bible makes it clear that with God’s help anything is possible. Frankly, you can go from I hate my husband to I love my husband over night. It’s not as difficult as you might think at the moment.

I want to give you some suggestions on what you could do, as a wife, so that you no longer suffer from the “I hate my husband” attitude. I pray that God would use these to heal your marriage.

1. Realize that sin is the problem–not necessarily your husband.

You might not like your husband very much at the moment, but understand the problem goes much deeper than just his bad manners. The problem is that he is a filthy, wicked, rotten sinner. A rotten sinner just like you are, too! We’re all products of The Fall in Genesis chapter three. That’s not giving your husband an excuse for his behavior, however. It is merely stating the cause of it.

A lack of male leadership in the marital relationship, as well as not loving our wives as we ought, is directly tied to the sin that was committed by Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Adam hid in a bush rather than come clean with God, confessing his sin. When Adam was finally pressed by God to give an account, the man chose to blame both God and Eve. In Genesis 3:12 Adam said,

The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.” ~Adam, the sinner

But Eve didn’t do much better when it was her turn to give an account, either. She chose to blame the serpent (The devil made me do it!). But what I want you to see is that this sin by the first husband and wife duo led to conflict in their marriage, as well as every other marriage thereafter in human history. And that includes your marriage as well.

Here is what God said to the woman would be the result of her sin, in Genesis 3:16,

Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

Do you see that? The woman would begin to sinfully desire her husband’s headship in the marriage (usurping control), and the man would become a domineering, wretched, sinner who demands to rule over her without offering love to her. In case you’re wondering, this is a recipe for disaster in any marriage!

So my first suggestion to any wife who says “I hate my husband” is to realize that you are both sinners and that sin tends to show its ugly face the closer we are to one another in our relationships. Defining the problem is the first step to biblical resolution to your marital conflict.

2. Meditate upon and ask yourself the following questions.

  • Why do married couples fight & quarrel?
  • Why is my husband acting the way he is acting?
  • Have I done anything to provoke this behavior?
  • Is it possible for me to love my husband ever again?
  • Is it possible for me to respect my husband?
  • Do I understand that I can’t change my husband, no matter how hard I try?
  • Do I understand that “love” is not merely a feeling but an “action” I need to work at developing?
  • Does my husband acknowledge his problems?

3. Calmly (yes, calmly) explain to your husband how you are feeling.

You’ll have better results approaching your husband with a cup of sugar than you will with a spoonful of vinegar. As a man myself, I know that we men have a tendency to lash back when questioned, or retreat into a corner when we feel like failures.

4. Cease with “the blame game” for now and focus on healthy communication.

Are the problems in your marriage mostly your husband’s fault? Maybe. But nothing will get better in your marriage if you and your husband are blaming one another, rather than accepting your share of it. Be patient and be respectful to each other with your words.

5. Resolve to not give up on either your husband or your marriage.

Failure is not an option in marriage, as far as the Bible is concerned. There really is no reason to ever give up and file for divorce. You need to stay strong and develop the attitude that sin will not reign over you or your spouse. Keep pushing for a better outcome each and every day!

6. Acknowledge that trusting in God is the answer to your “I hate my husband” problem.

The more you rely on your own skills, abilities, and ideas, the less likely you are of having a better marriage. For Christians in particular, we know that the answer to all of life’s problems is to trust and lean more on God every day, rather than trying to figure out things on our own. God’s ways are always better than our ways.

7. Pray to God that He will reveal to your husband his errors, sins, and your husband’s sin of not loving you.

If your husband just “doesn’t get it” or simply refuses to see the situation for what it is, only God will be able to get that through your husband’s thick head. God is both omniscient (knows all things) and omnipotent (is all-powerful), so pray that God would work this miracle in your marriage. The Lord already knows the answer to how to fix your marriage. Pray that He would reveal that answer to your husband in a clear way!

8. Memorize, recite, and apply the following Bible verses daily.

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25)

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22)

“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses” (Proverbs 12:12)

“By insolence comes nothing but strife, but with those who take advice is wisdom” (Proverbs 13:10)

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1)

“A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger quiets contention” (Proverbs 15:18)

“It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling” (Proverbs 20:3)

————————-

In summary, remember that “I hate my husband” is not the attitude or mindset that God wants you to have about your husband. God wants so much more for you! Be patient, don’t give up, and trust God to bring about healing in your marriage. And be sure to do whatever you can to go out of your way to respect your husband whenever you can!

FOR THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW: What other suggestions do you have to offer a woman who says, “I hate my husband”? (Please leave that suggestion in the comment section below.)

Photo Credit: Camera Colin via Compfight cc

Comments

    • Anonymous says

      Should i stay with a man who lies steals hits me shoots heroin and cocaine..doesnt work? I find it hard to believe this is Gods plan.

  1. Jo says

    I have never got to the point of hating my husband ( or anyone ) often felt very hurt and upset by what he says or does, on a couple of particularly bad occasions I read through 1 Corinthians 13 ( just the part on love is) I prayed through this passage asking for help to develop this kind of love.

    This can also be helpful with hatred or less than loving thoughts towards anyone.

  2. Serina says

    This article is good, but it won’t work unless both people want to make it work. It’s hard being married to someone….no, it’s downright near IMPOSSIBLE being married to someone who thinks they’re ALWAYS right (and if they aren’t, they try to blame you anyway), think they have absolute authority, and have the most annoying personality known to man on top of everything else! (I am NOT exaggerating…if only I could post some videos, you’d know.) My marriage has many complex problems that none of the self-help articles and books have addressed (not all in one place anyway). I know I am not totally without fault – it does take two for conflict, after all. When I get mad, I really get mad. However, the root of our conflict often lies with my husband’s outlook on certain everyday things, which I (and most of our society) consider to be totally abnormal. He is not from the USA so maybe part of that is cultural. I tend to think it’s mental.

    I can’t afford independent counseling and I’m not going to my church for it (someone might see me and the pastors would know I’m in trouble!) Besides that, my husband doesn’t go to church with me (because he doesn’t like any of the churches in our area) so he wouldn’t go with me to pastoral counseling. Believe me, I’ve asked and have been chastised about airing “dirty laundry” to strangers, so what’s the point? I’d be going by myself and trying to shoulder the burden of making my marriage better and probably wasting my time doing it. I am sticking it out for my kids right now and for myself because we have a child with special needs. They are hard work to handle alone! If we didn’t have him, though…hard telling what I would decide to do. I just know that all the conflict in our home is not good for our daughter who is almost 13…it’s bound to just get worse from this point.

    I think it all comes down to what you can tolerate physically and/or mentally and how much your spouse is willing to cooperate to save the marriage. Plus, if your spouse wants no part of counseling or self-help, are you going to stick it out and pray that God will make things better? How long is that going to take? We don’t know His timetable so we don’t know how long it will be before things begin to change. It could take a LONG time…which would necessitate praying for endurance and hanging in there. For some, that could be relatively easy. For others, the mental stress has them at the snapping point. (If you snap, be sure you are not holding any sharp objects!)

    Yeah, God hates divorce. I get that. But after trying everything else, I don’t blame people for wanting out of a situation that is both physically and mentally unhealthy. If I had to live alone for the rest of my life without a spouse just to be free of the one I have…I’d do it. Somehow, I think it’s going to take a bloomin’ miracle to change my husband.

    • says

      Serina, your comment hit me hard. I prayed for you and your husband. I know that God can work miracles in your life and your husband’s life. Keep believing, praying, and searching for solutions. God bless you, my friend.

  3. Anonymous says

    1) “Realize that sin is the problem–not necessarily your husband.” – that’s not possible. The feminazi culture says otherwise. If it has a penis, it MUST be wrong. Even a dead clock is right twice a day and that’s twice more then any American male.

    4) “Cease with “the blame game” for now and focus on healthy communication.” That’s not possible either. He has a penis so the only thing he needs to “communicate ” is that he is wrong, that he recognizes that it’s his fault and he’s sorry and then go to his room. He’ll be on timeout from sex for the next decade.

    5) “Resolve to not give up on either your husband or your marriage.” – Why on earth would a woman do that? She gets EVERYTHING if she divorces! There’s no incentive for women to stay married! They get the houses, the cars, the kids and all the money and its a foregone conclusion that its the MAN’S fault that the marriage failed so her conscious is clear! Why stay???!!

    6) “Acknowledge that trusting in God is the answer to your “I hate my husband” problem.” – Women DO acknowledge that, the problem is that they are their own God.

    7) “Pray to God that He will reveal to your husband his errors, sins, and your husband’s sin of not loving you.” – referencing #6, God is already doing a fantastic job of letting him know how jacked up he is day in and day out cause she’s telling him ALL THE TIME.

    8) “Memorize, recite, and apply the following Bible verses daily.” – notice NONE of them is from Proverbs 31. God doesn’t need to learn how to be a Proverbs 31 wife cause she’s already perfect, he needs to learn how to be a “submissive” husband……

  4. A F L says

    All that is great advice. Still, there come’s a point where it’s important to realize that it takes two to make a go of it, and marriage is not about long-suffering through financial, emotional, physical, or any other kind of abuse that causes brings negative consequences to either party.

    Sometimes hate is the source of strength bridging the decision to divorce and the opportunity to heal.

  5. southern girl says

    I am at a loss. Being raised in a traditional, southern Christian home, it was ingrained in me on how to take care of your husband and be a good, faithful wife. I can honestly say that I have taken care of all of his needs, wants and desires since the first day of marriage. Our lives revolve around him. He constantly wants materialistic things like new trucks, expensive watches, etc…The high life and I always give in and find a way for him to get what he wants. If i don’t He belittles me as he holds me against a wall and reminds me of how I didn’t finish college, how ugly I am because I have freckles, and other hurtful comments that he always says. He has a very good job and he tells me he is better than me because he makes more money. Now he has developed a drinking habit which is growing weekly. I hide all of this from family/friends because he has convinced me that I am a failure and I am so ashamed. At times he is remorseful but the selfishness is daily. He never goes anywhere with me and if he does I am very nervous because I am afraid I will say the wrong thing or I don’t look good enough for him. I can’t leave because I would be too embarrassed. I am growing more and more resentful frustrated and hurt. It’s been 16 years and I am beyond weary. I keep praying for a way out but I am still here.

  6. bridget says

    In response to the lady on sept 22…if u do not have children….leave. It is the most painful and deadly slow progressive disease of alcoholism and adding children won’t bring solace but the I wish. I love God but I am very familiar with self centerness and progressive alcoholism. I have been sober for 8 years and had children years after I became sober and turned my life over. You can divorce an unbeliever. It will make it worse if you have children then you are really in it. Rather be broke and single that married and miserable and alone.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.