By the way, if you think the below jokes are funny, you should read this other article I wrote that gives about 30 more Christian jokes.
I also wrote a post about funny church bulletin bloopers and drew a Christian cartoon about selfish prayer and another about how the preacher feels on Sunday morning. But rather than bloopers and cartoons, here is a good, clean, funny Christian joke or two. Enjoy.
A joke about Creation
An atheist scientist came to God and said, “We’ve figured out how to make a man without you.” God said, “OK, let me see you do it.” So the atheist bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful. But God stopped him and said, “Oh, no you don’t. Get your own dirt!”
I don’t want to go to church today!
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, “I’m not going!” “Why not?” asked his mother. “I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me. Two, I don’t like them.” His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you’re 47 years old. Two, you’re the pastor!”
The coin toss
By the time Bobby arrived, the football game had already started. “Why are you so late?” asked his friend. “I couldn’t decide between going to church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin,” said Bobby. “But that shouldn’t have taken too long.” said the friend. “Well, I had to toss it 35 times.”
The $100 and $1
Two well-worn bills arrived at the Federal Reserve Bank to be retired – a $100 and a $1. As they traveled down the conveyor belt, they struck up a conversation. The hundred reminisced about the interesting life he had, traveling all over the country. “I’ve been to the finest restaurants, Broadway shows, Las Vegas, and amusement parks,” he said. “I even want on a Caribbean cruise once. Where have you been?” “Oh,” said the one dollar bill, “I’ve been to a Methodist church, an Episcopal church, a Baptist church, and a Lutheran church.” “What’s a church?” asked the hundred.
Sandwiches and weddings
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?” To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”
Top 10 reasons God made Eve
- God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
- God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
- God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
- God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
- God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
- God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
- As the Keeper of the Garden, since he didn’t have metal sheds or greenhouses, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
- Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
- As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
- When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, “I can do much better than that!”
My dad is better than your dad
Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads. One said. “My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song and they pay him $50.” “Oh, yeah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem and they pay him $100.” “That’s nothing,” said the third kid. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon and it takes six people to collect all the money in the room!”
A four year old’s description of creation
In the beginning, which was close to the start, there wasn’t anything except God, darkness and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord, thy God, is one,” but I think He has to be much older than that. Anyway, God made the world and then He said, “Give me some light,” and somebody gave it to Him. He split an atom and made Eve. Adam and Eve didn’t wear any clothes, but they weren’t embarrassed because God hadn’t invented mirrors, yet. Adam and Eve sinned by eating one bad apple and they were driven out of the Garden of Eden. I’m not sure what God drove them in because He hadn’t invented cars, either. Adam and Eve’s son, Cain, hated his brother as long as he was Abel. After a while, all of the first people died, except Methuselah, who lived to be, like, a million years old.
Jonah and the whale
One day, a teacher was talking to her first grade class about whales when a little girl had a question.
Little Girl: “Do whales swallow people?”
Teacher: “No, even though they are much bigger than a person, they have throat pleats that filter their food of krill and plankton.
Little Girl: “But Mrs. Thurston says Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”
Teacher getting angry: “Blue whales cannot swallow people.”
Little Girl: “Well, when I get to heaven I’ll just ask Jonah if he was really swallowed by a whale.”
Teacher, still red with anger: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
Girl: “Well, then you can ask him.”
Hymns for Christians over 65 years old
- Give Me the Old Timers Religion
- Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
- Just a Slower Walk with Thee
- Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
- Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
- Guide Me, O Thou, Great Lord God, I’ve Forgotten Where I’ve Parked The Car
- Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
- Blessed Insurance
- It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
By the way, if you think these jokes are funny, you should read this other article I wrote that gives about 30 more Christian jokes.
QUESTION: Do you have any clean, funny Christian jokes? If yes, write them below in the comments section so we can all have a good laugh!
* Image credit: Matt Leucht (Creation Swap)